notes #18
pink lighters and did you know there's only one montblanc store in new york city?
I decided to I was going to do something special.
There were two major impediments to this, though: first, I was suffering from a temporary inability to do anything at all. The second, related to the first, was that I had no idea what something special would look like.
All I could do was send text messages and shoplift and look at expensive things online and think about special things I might be able to do if only I had the time. There was never time for anything in between doing nothing. When I bought lighters at the bodega they always gave me the pink ones. I would’ve asked for them anyway but it bothered me the same—being a pink lighter girl.
Pen comparison— muji pen to G7 to a fine, nice pen, a montblanc [go to montblanc store] [go to library] [punch yourself in the face] Did you know there’s only one montblanc store in New York City?
I hate finding out the world doesn’t revolve around me. That’s violence
I’m hungry and waiting for the suspended M train and my basket purse smells like stale tobacco and Chloe perfume, I’m so annoyed and tired and I’m overheating, I’m dehydrated and I wish I weren’t on any pharmaceuticals, I’m sweating through my cotton dress and I want someone to be mad at, I want someone to be so so mad at and vicious too, and spiteful, I want to make someone hurt because I’m hungry and tired, and too hot
I wish i could still throw a temper tantrum without feeling self conscious. Thrash and wail the drooling way and shriek and ball my hands into fists so i can hit and hit and hit whatever comes too close
Skulking around the corners of Bowery looking for rats that might enjoy my company
LOVE! if you make it here, you can make it anywhere
No homo but homohomonukunukuapua'a (gay fish)
Reading nature conservancy magazine + going on the little hike in Newport + talking about fungi last night & realizing that living in new york has really flattened my natural/scientific interests, it’s like I willfully tried to forget that i love nature and biology because my access to it became more limited
At least when you’re on drugs you’ve always got quitting them ahead of you, if not something to look forward to then at least a task on horizon
A sign that says “kindness is contagious” across the street from a bio testing lab
Like phantom planet wishes for one more hit
watching female-centric horror movies where girls die is a microdose of female rage because when else do we scream—no, wrong. When girls die we get to see what it would be like to rest
High School Forever
It was slightly chilly out for the first time since perhaps May, and the air smelled of vaguely holiday-scented candle wax
Exclamation point react! So that u don’t know about me wanting to die
I’ve spent my whole life trying not to exist or existing as little as possible if i really have to do it
A big deep bathtub with a view big enough to swim in, and diptyque-branded mr. bubble
mother of pearl… plaster ionian columns
Fight and flight are both addressed by the inability to run or hide. Fawn response (the rarely lauded third option, if you don’t count freeze)
Do I have no ideas? Do I think any original thoughts? Should I get off of my phone??????????