notes #19

medical despair, poems on space dogs, picture shows

in high school I was into guys who would have died at astroworld

I pray to god in many names 

Found a new fake name to tell strangers at bars by reading strangers’ medication forms upside down on the Walgreens pharmacy counter. waiting for my flu shot for which I’m paying out of pocket, currently uninsured by no choice of my own and not for lack of trying, New York healthcare marketplace worse than any circle of hell—they took a page from the CIA and made their motto “deny everything” (at least when it comes to my forms and application,) my heart is pounding out of my chest at the Walgreens pharmacy counter and I can’t say why. square breathing makes me claustrophobic but still I inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4, rinse, repeat, I found a first edition Steinbeck on auction ninja and it’s taking over my mind

Life is best lived by those with little regard for it. There are manifold ways to hurt yourself but only so many ways to die.

The sense that there was a beautiful picture show unfolding before me if i could just only open my eyes 

“She had contemplated life so long it had become indifferent to her” — Daphne du Maurier, Cousin Rachel 

The astronomical price of medical care is one stated reason why self diagnosis has become so popular, although I suspect it functions more like a “Which LOST Character Are You?” quiz than anything else. Diagnoses can be comforting: it feels good to be told things about yourself, especially something as seemingly immutable as a medical diagnosis. This is what’s wrong with you, and this is how to fix it. Or, through a kind of perversion of disability theory, and you can’t fix it; this is how you are.

I can see why this might make people feel better. If you are something, it stops having much to do with you. It’s a part of you, and it is you, but it’s not about you. The real danger is in the solution: if you aren’t something, then why do you still feel like that? Of course, it’s rarely about a solution. Within the arena of mental health pop psychology, people seem to pervert the lens of disability theory in order to identify perceived problems without taking action to fix them. I can see why

 

On the year anniversary of losing out on a job that seemed like a sure bet, I lose out on another job that seemed like a sure bet. Over a year’s worth of almosts and so close I can taste its, and whatever spirit I once had is ground so thoroughly into the earth that even its dregs are looking sparse.

“Nightmare” Nicolaj Abraham Abildgaard (1800)

My cat always looks so betrayed when I use the lint roller she’s like ???? I just gave you all that hair as a present and you’re throwing it away?????

Sputnik 2

In war men say they die like dogs in the street, 

victim to slaughter only they could conjure.

But dogs die like gods, bodies spread 

through the astral plane, left circling 

halfway to heaven. 

Panting at heaven’s locked gates, making history

like so many do, unwillingly.

Many fellow travelers 

only plan as far as the fall,

and stray dogs can never come home again.

Sputnik 5

Little arrow flew in circles,

homebound for another world.

The best a girl can hope for is to live,

and the worst she can endure is too.

There are worse things in life than being boring, though I wouldn’t have believed it at twenty one. 

Every time my bf wont let me do something to our apartment i remind him what happened to that chick with the yellow wallpaper

Chloe bag hock a loogey

The manic’s guide to New York 

You are not a fillable vessel , you have room for it all

In his hometown he referred to our apartment as “HOME home,” and to think of being a part of such a true north for someone, the home they dream of returning to on holiday 

Despite what adage may suggest a girl can have fun in many shapes and states of undress—we’re not such joyless creatures, after all, are we?